What Would Matt Do

I know, it’s a simple concept. When you develop games, you like it when people buy those games, because then you get money. Maybe you’ll use that money to fund your crazy sex addiction or to move to some mystical far away land like New Zealand or heck maybe you’ll even use it to make more games. What ever you do with it, you’d like some of it.

Up until this point though, Crytek, the makers of that decidely average but beautiful Crysis game, have finally decided to make console games too. What are their reasons…?

“We are suffering currently from the huge piracy that is encompassing Crysis. We seem to lead the charts in piracy by a large margin. I believe that’s the core problem of PC gaming: PC gamers that pirate games inherently destroy the platform. Similar games on consoles sell factors of 4-5 more. It was a big lesson for us and I believe we won’t have PC exclusives as we did with Crysis in future. We are going to support PC, but not exclusive any more.”

Ah yes, the ever present pirates and their dastardly ways. It probably has nothing to do with the game being dependant on the hardcore PC game market, a market that is very much pro stealing. It probably has nothing to do with them requiring PCs that only the special ops guys have to run it with the effects full on. It definitely has nothing to do with the afore mentioned hardcore PC game market being a pretty damn small market. Damn pirates.

But they are coming around on the market size issue. It’s daft for a company to release a FPS as a PC exclusive these days. Utterly daft. I’m glad Crytek finally realized it, but they must be smacking themselves on the forehead could of had a v8 style.

What Would Matt Do: Were I Crytek, I’d quit blaming pirates and starting putting the blame square on my shoulders, right where it belongs. Then I’d quit playing the blame game and make a damn fine console FPS. Maybe.

This is amazing stuff. Maybe it won’t be as wicked awesome (this is for you, sweets) as it appears on the videos, but damn me if I’m not excited. I don’t remember the last time I was as interested in a remake of a childhood game as I am for this one.

And even if you haven’t played Bionic Commando in the past (and if you haven’t, you probably shouldn’t call yourself a gamer), this game bring multiple multiplayer modes (there was no multiplayer in the original) to the table along with what looks like a particulary tight single player game. I’m in lust without ever having touched the controller’s colorful buttons to use my mechanical arm of doom.

What Would Matt Do: I’d utter something like, "Daddy likes!"

For a man sized game! Well, it could be. The screen shots say it should be. My inner gamer is telling me it will be (could someone tell them to shut up already, they sure do annoy my inner cranky bitch).

The game? Bionic Commando Rearmed. The price? $10. That’s awesomesauce if there ever was some.

Man, that trailer alone has me all excited. Can someone please allow me to give my $10 already so I can play this game? plskthx.

Own a PS3? Do you like pretending your PS3 is a PC? Do you like games about Devils that May Cry for the fourth time? Then I’ve got the game for you!

Devil May Cry 4 has a brand new feature in it, exclusively for PS3 owners…a 20+ minute install! That’s right, you too can “go make a sandwich and grab a soda” while waiting to play that brand new console game you just bought. Not only that, but:

While the game is loading, you get to watch a really nifty series of screens that completely catch you up on the DMC4 backstory. Think of it as compressing the last three “seasons” into a single info blast, accompanied by some fantastic DMC artwork. It’s great for those new to the series and also a good refresher to serious fans (you can also check out all these screens again later in the Library mode).

That’s right, they added in a slide show for you to watch while you’re waiting for your console game to install. That’s awesome! Well, except for the fact that you can’t skip said slide show, you can’t skip the 20 minute install and so on…but least they aren’t making you switch disks:

Wah! The game takes 20 minutes to install the first time. Wah! Have you ever played a PC game? At least we aren’t making you shuffle multiple discs into a ROM drive, or continuously click “Yes!” on a series of endless Windows dialog boxes. Installing on a console may seem like a weird idea, but there’s a real benefit. Unreal Tournament also has an option to install files onto your PS3; I’ve done it and it makes a great game even better.

Wah is right, you got damn retard. I love that Chris Kramer compares it to a PC install. Yeah, because that’s one of the best parts of a PC game, the install. I’m so glad they brought that over to the consoles. Maybe next we can get driver and directx issues? What a load of shit.

This is just lazy programmers. They could have made it load the first level or two and then had the rest load in the background or even just had a slower load times with an optional install. Instead, we’ve got yet another backsliding by consoles (remember when we didn’t have patches for our console games…).

Really though, where is Sony on this? How did this game get approved for their system with 20+ minute install? What kind of asshat signed off on that? Hopefully the kind that no longer has a job.

Oh, and the PA guys tell me the Bitches love Sanskrit.

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What Would Matt Do: What did Tycho say a bit back? Oh yeah, retard rodeo. That’s basically what this is. People releasing poorly designed software and then defending it with comments of it’s just like the PC. That’s like the world championship of retard rodeos.

I admit, I don’t often stop to consider the fashion of the character I’m playing. They either look cool or interesting or sexy or funny or not. But then again, I’m not Tim Schafer sadly enough. If I were, I’d obviously dress better at the least:

So, on his left side, he tucked the shirt in, to show his trim figure and stylish belt buckle. “What a handsome young man,” you might say, “If he gets that shirt washed, he may date my daughter.” But his right side is untucked, like the shirt of a wild man, a renegade, a scoundrel. “What is that guy up to? Why is his shirt untucked? Does he not give a damn about me and my rules?”

These are his comments after playing Uncharted. I admit, they weren’t my comments after seeing that game, but you know, maybe I’m missing something. Maybe I’m not seeing the inner workings of the design. Now I start to wonder, did the Uncharted guys spend a lot of time thinking about the shirt? Did they have meetings on whether it should be fully tucked or not tucked at all? Were there angry emails that went back and forth about the color, the design, the tuckedness of it all? Or did they just stumble upon the “mullet” of character design?

Now I have to take it a step beyond that. Did the Gears team think about the armor they had the guys in (I’m guessing not much beyond, “that’s awesome, dude!”)? Why did the Gears people dress that one girl they showed in a cut scene in clothes, in a war zone, where as all the guys were dressed in some sort of super futuristic armor (a pet peeve of a friend of mine)?

What about those damn WoW bastards? Did they honestly sit down and consider how hideous their armor looked, even when a full set it made and think that was great? It’s Blizzard so they must of had user testings, focus meetings, and more. How did the mish mash sillyness that is the WoW armor/clothes setup pass whatever QA they have?

Really, how much work goes into character design and the clothes they wear? I’m assuming it’s different at each company, but I wonder how much real thought is put it into something so obviously important. Heck for that matter, do companies think it’s important or do they just have a guy throw some designs up and one gets picked and that’s that?

So many questions, so few answers.

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What Would Matt Do: What would I do? I think the question is, what wouldn’t I do.