(Someone want to make me an image I can use for this article every time? Needs to be gaming related and not cost me money. Contact me if you want and I’ll be sure to mention your name to my five readers at least once.)

Just when you thought it was safe to go outside, a new week has appeared and it’s brought more idiocy! Since I can’t, and/or don’t care enough, to cover the entire world, I’ll stick to gaming per the norm. What kind of tales of the weird have a I brought you today?

Today we start with one Robert Bowling. Who is Robert Bowling you ask? Well, I didn’t know either, but apparently he’s the Director of Communications / Community Manager for Infinity Ward. You know, the guys that make the good Call of Duty games (in case you’re wondering, that’s CoD1, CoD2 and CoD4). Here’s hoping he’s pretty secure in his job:

WTF are you talking about?! “in previous Call of Dutys blah blah blah”. First of all, you didn’t work on “previous Call of Dutys”, so don’t talk as if you’re down with how / why things were designed the way they were. Second, you’re completely fucking wrong.

Bolt Action rifles are one hit kills in every Call of Duty we (Infinity Ward) made!!

I won’t compare it to World at War’s Bolt Actions, I can’t speak to that because I don’t work there. Just like you don’t work here, so please stop talking about our games.

A rule of thumb I like to use is…. when promoting your game. Promote YOUR game. Don’t compare it to another game, or reference what OTHER games did in the past, pitch YOUR game. I mean, you have lots of cool things you could talk about… like Nazi Zombies….

He did not just go all Nazi Zombies up in here…ooh, he did. His rant is about one Noah Heller. Sure, I can understand his frustration what with his company being the one that makes the real Call of Duty titles and the other company makes the money grabs in between. Fair enough. But to do it on your blog, in full view of the world, where others, namely your boss, can see? Probably not the brightest move ever. I have missed a good .plan update though, so kudos to one Mr. Bowling for giving us the first good one in a long time. Here’s hoping your job is still good.

Ok, so that wasn’t so bad, right? Maybe the others won’t be so bad, right? Sorry, I’m going best to worst. Tricked ya! Well, maybe not. Either way, what’s more annoying than ‘horse armor’ as a payable update? How about 12 different money grabs all of which are probably already on the disc and just waiting for you to pay for more clothes for your game? Check out the first four:

• Astronaut Pack: Download the Astronaut Suit and Weapon Skin Pack, featuring an amazing Astronaut Suit and new skins for the Plasma Cutter, Pulse Rifle, and Ripper! – $3.00 / 240 MS points
• Big Gun Pack: Download the Steam Punk Force Gun, the ultimate in Necromorph-killing destruction. – $1.00 / 80 MS points
• Heavy Damage Pack: Download the Heavy Damage Weapon pack featuring a cool new look and massive firepower for the Plasma Cutter, Contact Beam, Pulse Rifle, and Ripper. – $3.00 / 240 MS points
• Hot Rod Pack: Download the Hot Rod Weapon Skin Pack, featuring awesome flame graphics for the Flamethrower and Pulse Rifle. – $1.00 / 80 MS points

Hmmm…maybe I’m just over reacting. Maybe those aren’t complete and total money grabs the publisher (stunner, it’s EA) is using to try to get even more money for it 60-fucking-dollar-game. Yep, just selling the original game isn’t enough, now we’re going to include less customizable games where you can pay more to customize your pretties in the game. I can’t tell you how happy this makes me. This is exactly what I thought would happen when DLC was first introduced and thankfully it hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be, but EA is really looking to push the cash grabbing whores theory, so who knows what the future will bring. Maybe I’ll get to to pay for the end of the game after already buying the main game…

It’s funny I should mention the buying the end of the game in the last article…since that’s exactly what one blabber mouthed idiot over at Epic Games said. You may not know the name, but you’ve most likely played with their engine/game at one point. They make Unreal, Gears of War, sell the mess out of the engine, whine about this or that and oh yeah, have declared war on the second hand market:

“The secondary market is a huge issue in the United States. Our primary retailer makes the majority of its money off of secondary sales, and so you’re starting to see games taking proactive steps toward that by… if you buy the retail version you get the unlock code,” he said.

“I’ve talked to some developers who are saying ‘If you want to fight the final boss you go online and pay USD 20, but if you bought the retail version you got it for free’. We don’t make any money when someone rents it, and we don’t make any money when someone buys it used – way more than twice as many people played Gears than bought it.”

Hmmm…how to approach this. I think I’ll go with putting Epic Games now above EA on my board of douche. Yeah, that’s right, I have a board of douche beside my desk. It had two names on it. EA and Epic. EA was running away with the victory, but it sounds like Epic is really making strides. Lets talk about why…

First, fuck Epic Games. Really. This is complete bullshit. Yeah, there are about 5+ million gamers that played your game without you ever seeing a red cent. That is effing horrible. But how did I come to that number so readily? Well, lets assume Mike Boss isn’t just spewing numbers out of his ass and that twice as many people played Gears as bought it. You know that means? It means that Epic Games sold 5+ million copies. That’s right, the guys whining about the second hand market sold more than five million copies of Gears. And they probably going to sell more of Gears 2. Nothing like putting things in perspective.

Second, what is this issue of the second hand market? Who’s having an issue with this? Is it me? Am I battling day in and out, trying to figure out how to manage against the onslaught of the second hand market? Oh wait… That’s right, I find value in it. I like finding games I don’t want to pay full price for at cheaper prices or renting games I don’t want to own. So it’s not me… Must be big business doesn’t like how the second hand market works. Fair enough, it’s actually a valid beef. See, Gamestop, and their ilk, buys used games at well below half of the original price (for the most part) and then sells the games at…five dollars less than the new versions. So they have a HUGE markup and the way they do it, they are cutting into actual game sales something fierce, I’m sure. So the issue isn’t the second hand market, so much as the way Gamestop deals with it. Ok, well, fine. I don’t like it, you don’t like it. What should we do about it?

Apparently we should start treating our customers like shit. Lets charge them both for original game and for ending. Oh, and lets charge them for multiplayer maps and not allow anyone else but the first buyer to own them. Next up, we take their credit cards and automatically charge any new game releases to their card. Twice. If that doesn’t work, we work up some sort of dealie with lots of guns.

I’ll go into more detail on this later, but for now, lets settle on Epic is stupid, has no idea what the marketing term Branding means nor how to deal with customers. Epic Games…we can out douche EA, just give us time!

What Would Matt Do: Were I Supreme Leader of the World (actually, I am, but not of this one), my first command would be to destroy all cell phone plans that pretend to charge you one thing then charge another with taxes and fees. The second would be to take away all of Epic’s money and make them buy games again. See what it’s like to be a game buyer instead of driving around their supar cars and worrying about the damn secondary market and the huztpah they have to not pay Epic every time a game of their is touched. Really.